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Because Dogs eat vomit and month old French fries

I like dogs.

I am a “Dog Person.” (Whatever that means.)

I am NOT a Cat Person. (No definition needed here…)

We have two dogs at the AtwoodZoo. We have Boomer the curly-brown-haired-Muppet-looking amazing dog. And we have Charlie.

Charlie is not Boomer.

And he is certainly not amazing.

Charlie is a dog The Beautiful Bride and the girls rescued from Happi-Tales. I have wanted to “Un-Rescue” him any number of times since he came home.

When we got Charlie, he was basically bald. He had a little bit of hair on his head and a straggle of shaggy matted fuzz on the end of his tail. In between he was naked. He was a dog version of a Q-Tip. Yet for some crazy reason, the girls wanted stinky, nasty, mean, greasy Charlie to come live in our home. To show you how funky Charlie was picture this, we named him Charlie because he reminded us of the pitiful Christmas Tree in “Charlie Brown Christmas.”

And just like in the show, the pitiful one found a home.

Our home. Where Boomer the Awesome Dog reigned the palace and exuded love and happiness with every breath he took.

Charlie, on the other hand, peed on the floor.

And in spite of my many misgivings, I have however, found Charlie useful for two key tasks.

He is awesome at cleaning out the car. Every couple of weeks I put him in the backseat where the girls have eaten a fair amount of “I need to eat something while I go from here to there” meals. And as kids, will do, a fair amount of that food ends up on the floor or between the seats or stuffed in the cushions.

This is where Charlie comes in.

We are not exactly sure what kind of dog he is. He is one of those “All of the above” kind of dogs. And I think that part of the “All of the above” is anteater. Because he has a proportionately GIANT tongue.  I am talking freakishly long. He can sniff out food no matter how old or decrepit, jam that monstrous tongue into any crook, cranny, or crevice in the car, and pull back a month-old chicken tender and a mouthful of mostly fossilized French fries.  It is amazing what kind of food particles he can find.

And because of this unique and frankly very helpful skill that he has become tolerable.

He has one other important trait that makes him acceptable.

See Boomer has a bit of a sensitive stomach.

And as a result he tends to….well…re-share his food.

All Charlie has to hear is Boomer start to hack a bit and he is a like a heat-seeking missle moving throughout th house looking for his best friend Boomer.

Charlie is not a dumb dog. He is a funky, often nasty dog, but he is not a dumb dog.

Because he knows that when he finds Boomer, his reward is even better than what he finds in the car, for now the hand-me-down-food is pre-heated.

The night the Beautiful Bride almost didn’t make it over the hill. But then laughed so hard she almost wet herself.

The Beautiful Bride has been at America’s Mart in Atlanta for the last few days (118 hours but who’s counting…) She and her younger sister Jennifer came home last night, leaving a couple of the Show Offs Art in the ATL to finish up the market. The Beautiful Bride has 48 hours to catch her breath before she heads to Dallas on Wednesday morning for the marker there. (But I’m not pouting about that yet, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves….)

She called me last night on the way home to tell the story of the adventure that she and Jennifer had just had. Seems that she and Aunt Jen can have had a bucketful of adventures in the last couple of days, but the one last night takes the cake.

They were just passing through Chattanooga on the way home, filled up on Olive Garden and Hershey Bar’s they took from the SOA booth when the fun began.

They were headed up the hill, into the darkness that is southeast Tennessee on a winter night when the car began to lurch. Cue the banjo music…

(I am paraphrasing the conversation below, because when The Beautiful Bride recounted it to me, she was laughing so hard I am certain that she wet herself.)

“What’s wrong with the car?” said The Beautiful Bride.

“We’re out of gas,” replied Aunt Jen.

“No we’re not…”

Lurch.

Grunt.

Lurch.

“No seriously, I don’t know how his happened, but we are out of gas.”

Up the hill they went.

Into the darkness

Slower.

Lurch.

Slooowweer….

Downshift…3rd…2nd…1st

Pull onto the shoulder, hazards on.

Five MPH inching up the hill.

(Can you hear “I think I can, I think I can…)

Then another sound to go with the gas tank going dry…this one like a freight train starting up “Bump…bump…bump…bump.”

Very rhythmic…And then for some reason The Beautiful Bride found humor in this and began to sing along…

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

Top of the hill…

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

Crest the hill, and then a bit faster. The car is completely out of gas.

“Wait…there’s light at the exit…just keep going.”

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

“We’re…out…of…gas.”

They rumble down the shoulder, and Aunt Jen arm wrestles the now dead car (no power steering) off the exit and points it down the hill towards the somewhat-scary-but-any-port-in-a-storm Kangaroo market.

They make it to the bottom of the heel, Aunt Jen is dragging the steering wheel to the right to take a wide swing into the parking lot and they silently slide up to the pump, tapping the brakes to bring the fuel less wonder to a halt.

“Well, we’re here…”

And they exploded into laughter which was still resonating 30 minutes later when they called.

I think the thing that made me happiest (outside of the fact that they were not squashed like a bug as they moved at 5 MPH on the shoulder of the interstate) is the fact that The Beautiful Bride can laugh at almost any situation. She realizes that sometimes things happen that you can’t control and many times your options are to 1) freak out; or 2) laugh until you nearly wet yourself.

And I am so glad that can nearly wet herself almost any time…

My version of Proverbs for 31 for The Beautiful Bride’s birthday

Some days are bad days.

Some days are average days.

Some days are great days.

And some days are days of national rejoicing. Which today is, because today is the day, just a few short year ago that The Beautiful Bride was born.

So in honor of her and her birthday, here is my version of Proverbs 31.

A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than Ipads and .

 Her husband thinks she is totally hot and cool and amazing.

 She brings him good, not harm,  (much much much more than he deserves) all the days of her life.

 She likes football and buffalo wings and funny shows on TV

 She gets up while it is still night; (not really cause she likes to sleep late but hey, no worries..)  and she provides food for her family and take out lunch from Chuy’s for her folks at Show Offs Art.

She considers a purse and she buys it;  out of her earnings she lets us go on really cool vacations as a family.

She sets about her work vigorously; she does not give up. When her girls need something, she is always ready. When something gets in the way of Madison, she will crush it like a bug.

She sees that her trading is profitable, because she comes up with crazy great ideas and designs that encourage people.

She is kind and generous and loves to help. And extends her hands to the needy. (but not in a showy way that brings attention to her, rather in a way that serves those in need.)

When it snows, (she stays inside because she does not like the cold) BUT she has no fear for her household because she has planned ahead and everyone has the hats and coats and gloves (all VERY CUTE of course) for all.

She goes to stores and finds VERY CUTE coverings for her bed;  she is clothed in fine denim and cotton and every bright color.

Her husband is seen at the city gate, where everyone looks at him and thinks “How in the world did you get her? You have married WAY over your head.”

She makes canvases and note cards and plaques and jewelry and sells them, and supplies the merchants with the coolest stuff ever.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;  she can laugh at the days to come. (Because she has come through so much in her life; her faith is strong and sure)

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (and makes us all crack up with her complete silliness.)

 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (though she does enjoy an occasional Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.)

Her children arise and think she is awesome. Because she is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS looking out for the best thing for her girls.
her husband also thinks the same though he may not say it as often as he should.

He praises her:

 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

 Charm is deceptive, and (sometimes but not in your case) beauty is fleeting; (because your awesomeness and hotness will last forever)
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.