Vomit at the speed of gravity

I tend to be a “slow to learn” kind of guy.

As in, I can make the same mistakes a whole bunch of times and still not learn to not do something, Like dancing in public, or eating sushi at any place that has the word “Depot” in the name of the restaurant or going to any movie that ends in “2.” Like Jaws 2, or The Hangover 2, or Gone with the Wind 2.

I just do not learn important things as quickly as I should.

There are a few exceptions, and one of those came in the first few months I was a dad.

Madison had been home for few months and was just starting to become human. She was smiling, laughing, and adorable. I loved to get on the floor with her and just smile and giggle and coo. She would look up at me with the biggest smile that, I was certain meant she was thinking, “this large pumpkin-headed person staring at me is the coolest person in the whole world.”

So I decided I needed to make her even happier and thought that if she could look down at me, like I had been looking down at here, she would think that was cool.

I flipped on my back, reach over and grabbed her, and hoisted her up in the air. She was “flying” through the air right above me, I was holding by the sides and she was just as happy as could be.

I launched into some serious baby talk.

“Who’s a big girl?”

“Who’s a pretty girl?”

“Who’s the best baby in the whole world?”

And I just kept her flying through the air, high above me the whole time.

It was amazing.

Except for one thing I had forgotten.

Just moments before the best, most beautiful baby in the whole world had just eaten dinner.

And as it turns out, even the best, most beautiful baby in the whole world can get a rumbly, tummy when she is hurtled about up in the air just after eating.

So I just laid there, flat on my back, holding her straight  up above my head, pretending she was flying.

And she opened her mouth and everything went all slow-motion Matrix like.

“Ohhhh nooo…..sheeeee’s voooomitting….”

And I couldn’t do anything.

Because I was laying on the floor directly underneath her. It was not as if I could do a stop, drop, and roll.  And even through I was a new Dad I knew that I could not toss her to the side to try and escape the vomit waterfall that was headed my way.

I just had to lay there and take it like a man.

The problem was, well the second problem actually, was that I was laying there with my mouth wide open. So even though the whole experience was very slow-motion in many senses, the actual movement of the vomit from her open mouth to my open mouth was at the speed of gravity. Which is approximately, well really fast. According to guy’s like Einstein anyway, if you can trust him…

And me.

Especially when a bushel or two of greasy, bouncy, baby vomit is hurtling at you.

It’s fast.

Really, really fast.

And it especially does not give you a chance to close your mouth.

So there I was. Helpless to move while my sweet little daughter just downloaded a dumpster full of baby puke right into my mouth.

And therein my friends lies a conundrum…

What exactly is one to do with a mouth full of baby vomit?

I saw that there were three options; 1) swallow it; 2) spit it out; or 3) spit it back at her. I mean after all, she spit it at me first, right….?

Just for the record, I did NOT spit it back at her. I mean really, I had already lost to gravity once, do you think I would be stupid enough to spit it back up in the air, only for it to well….

I said there were some things I did not learn quickly.

Trying to spit vomit against gravity is not one of those.


Posted on September 26, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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