Atwood’s Theorem #1 of Relative Birthday Significance

If you happen to have a birthday anywhere near the date of one of your children, you will almost certainly notice a decline in the amount of attention paid to your birthday, while there is increasingly more attention paid to the birthday of said child. (not that I am whining, mind you…)

And while I have intuitively known this was happening, I was not able to quantify said phenomenon, until now…

But now, for those of you with a more statistically-oriented mindset, I have developed a mathematical equation for this very substantial and dynamic regression/increase relationship….

A = (x-y)*(d)/(n-f)*pi

(key to the variables is listed below)

A – Total amount of Attention

x – age of parent

y – age of child

d – # of days between birthday of parent and birthday of child

n -# of children invited to birthday party

f – # of years over 40 the parent is

pi – 3.14 (because for some reason which we discussed back in Mr. Wilson’s 8th grade algebra class but for which I have no recall anymore because I have had a birthday beyond my 40th, every mathematical equation known to man MUST have pi in it….)


Posted on January 18, 2007, in Dad stuff. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Michael Pellegrino

    Brother Jeff,
    I feel your over 40 birthday blues?
    I remember the days as a birthday child were the mind had that endless imagination and nothing was holding it back and the birthdays gifts were always off the charts. Except for the one card that you recived ever year from your Aunt Irene, that had one stick of Juicy fruit gum in it.
    January 24th starts the beginning of my 43rd year. And if the “MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WAST” then I’m doomed! Because during my 42 year I started putting the non fat milk in the cabinet and the Lucky Charms cereal in the refrigerator. Hows that for a oxy moron? Now you might laugh at that, but this was not a isolated incident. And the only thing pi- 3.14 means to me is the 3.14 lbs that I will put on after eating the whole pie.
    So what does my 43rd year have instore for me you might ask? Lets just say by the the end of next week I will be at the return counter at Kohls exchanging a pair of pants that didn’t fit, and paying a re stocking fee for a birthday gift that I didn’t want. And hoping my some timers mind doesn’t mix up the bathroom toilet with the laundry shoot.
    Now here is the mystery? Either Aunt Irene died a wealthy old lady or she was just cheap?
    I wonder how Ryan and Rachel would feel if I started sending them a piece of Eclipse gum in a card for their birthday gift?

  2. Michael Pellegrino

    Dont forget the E on the word waste….

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